MANAGING JEALOUSY            

All feelings are motivators.  My anger notifies me that there is an injustice that needs to be righted or an important growth lesson to be learned.  My sadness leads me to embrace what I have lost and appreciate the gifts that my lost object has brought into my life.  Scare keeps me alert to that which can hurt me, thereby protecting me.

What purpose could jealousy serve? 

One purpose of jealousy is to help me realize where I believe in “lack”.  It surfaces a vulnerable place in my belief system where I think that what you have will make me happy.  It exposes where I have lost touch with the fact that everything I need to be joy-filled is well within my reach. 

Jealousy also points me to my unhealed wounds to which I still need to respond.  When I see that you have something that I once had or never had, it may stimulate unfinished grieving I need to complete in order to feel whole again.

Jealousy calls me to self-responsibility.  The con of jealousy is when I believe that what you have came to you without any effort on your part  - that you were "lucky".   I want to have such luck! 

One thing I may not like to face is the possibility you worked very hard or opened yourself up to risk to get what you have, and I have not made similar choices to bring it into my life.  Sometimes I am like the one who wants the salary of a doctor without committing long years of study to get it.  I want honesty in my friendships yet am unwilling to speak the truth myself. I want the intimate relationship without getting the counseling or coaching to find out how I keep myself from it.

Jealousy is a way to bounce me out of my laziness.  It is a confrontation for me to look at where I am holding back, where I am playing small, and what I can step into with greater conviction to create the life I want.

When I do not yet have what I want, it is also possible that I am not yet ready to receive what I desire.  There may be more learning for me to do first.  One man wanted to experience less stress and more peace in his life, but could not see the importance of having a daily quiet time where he can connect with the very Peace he desires.

Still another possibility of why I don't have what I want is that the timing may not yet be right.  The Universe is conspiring to bless me beyond my imagination, yet it may take time to line up all the factors necessary to accomplish my dream!  Releasing jealousy requires the patience and trust of a saint - something we are all capable of. 

Finally, one reason I may not have what I want is that what I want is not in my best interest.  Perhaps God has a better idea.  As Marianne Williamson puts it, "If the train doesn’t stop at your station, it wasn't your train."   I have found that often when I can let go of not getting what I want, something better turns up in my life down the road.

Perhaps there have been times when you have been like me, believing that  whining and complaining may change my situation for the better.  Since when does resisting someone else’s good fortune improve our own?  What if instead we allowed the awareness of our jealousy to inform us and prompt us to ask, “How can I create that in my life?”

The blessings of jealousy are many.  Which will you receive today?  Do not be ashamed of your envy.  Use it to motivate and change yourself for the better.  It's all a gift.

(David Larson, Licensed Psychologist, is a Counselor and Personal Coach. He can be reached at the Institute for Wellness at (507) 373-7913.